A staff away day was announced on Friday, a mere 3 days before, leaving only the weekend to work out how we were to adjust our plans and prepare a presentation. This is perfect, because as we all know the weekend is when we prefer to rearrange our plans and send apologetic emails to our tutor asking to reschedule our one-to-one call, right?

Such is life… We are given the message that students need to have content on Moodle in advance of teaching 3 days in advance… so technically we’ve met that quota for ourselves I guess? It didn’t feel particularly inclusive of anyone… There are those who have duty of care, those who are struggling with the work load, those with plans to meet with their tutor to beg for an extension for their abysmal lack of progress due to struggles with anxieties, ADHD, depression, a pregnant wife… (who could that be?)

Hardly surprising on the day that the room was a shambles, not yet tidied up from the Christmas party (which was coincidentally announced 1 day in advance… are we seeing a pattern yet?). Hardly surprising that the turnout was more like 8-10 people instead of the anticipated 20-30+.

Look, we’re all human… I don’t want to point fingers or even expect anything different necessarily. It does lead to stress and anxiety for me though… Stress that my slide isn’t correct for the audience, that I’ve included content that may not work as well for such a small group, that my worry about meticulously tailoring my slides to account for a possibly diverse range of skill-sets until 1am, doing my best to mentally prepare for presenting in front of an unknown number of highly intelligent and opinionated academic professionals… all to only discover that the 8-10 attendees that would have been fine with the more technical 2nd draft of my presentation not the more broad 8th draft… but I digress.

The night before….

I decided quite suddenly that my presentation, in order to truly represent who I am, needed to represent my brain in PowerPoint format. Let’s be honest, it was always going to do that, I am who I am and I can’t change it even when I try my best. This meant putting in far too many slides, going off on weird tangents, trying to incorporate every meaningful thought I’ve had in the last 5 years into this one all-encompassing Powerpoint. It was to be my magnum opus. My swan song. My raison d’etre. Slightly ambitious for 9pm on a Sunday night, but perhaps that’s how all great literature came about?!

Recalling a presentation from a coworker of mine, I remembered how engaging and interactive his presentation was. Their were laughs, smiles, maybe even a few tears (there weren’t tears). He gamified his presentation, made it interactive. I needed to do this. And the way I was going to pull this off was by making it an immersive look into my struggles over the last couple years with ADHD. This meant that I could turn it into PGCE research as well. 10 birds with one stone. Take a bow, Sam, you’ve truly outdone yourself.

The big moment…

So as I strolled into the room of my Ted Talk… (well not yet, but surely once the right one of my colleagues saw it and phoned up their contacts (no joke, two presenters later was a coworker who just did a Ted talk…), my phone would be ringing off the hook with people begging me to come and preach my truth to the masses) I had a sudden reaction that this was not at all what my midnight hyperactive brain imagined.

Can you truly say there were 8-10 attendees if one was asleep, one was on their phone, and one appeared to be marking during your presentation? How do we measure ‘attendance’? What does it mean to be present? These questions flutter through my head as I prepared the presentation and again as I reflect on my experience presenting to teachers, drawing comparisons between the sleeping coworker and the sleeping student, we’re not so different at the end of the day are we?

Que panic mode… que the alarm bells. It’s self-loathing time, firing on all cylinders. How many self-degrading thoughts can you have in 40 minutes? Too many it turns out… If we are counting flickering, fleeting thoughts? The ones that don’t fully mature but still cut you as the whizz by, like a small branch as you speed by on a bicycle? 10s of thousands maybe? Hard to count for sure…

I’m doing it now too… this was to be the best blog ever written by man. When this imaginary horde of interested people read it, they’d surely pick out their favorite quote and book an appointment with their favorite tattoo artist so that they could catch a glimpse of my genius every day until they leave this earthly plane right?? With each word and passing minute, the realization that nobody cares, that nobody will likely even read this, come creeping in.

Focus Sam… this was about the Presentation

Ah yes…. the presentation… thank you third-person Sam, first person Sam will take it from here.

So my big moment, to introduce my ADHD, to turn this into an inclusivity talk the likes of which had never been seen. The plan was to begin emulating a meditation session. I put on some relaxing tunes and asked the team members to close their eyes.

I’m going to ask you to take in a deep breath…. now breath out slowly.

Let’s take a few more…. in for 3 seconds…. hold for 4…. now breath out for 5….

It’s Monday morning… you have a nice relaxing day filled with genius, handsome speakers… you don’t have to teach or stress today…

Breathing in.. for 3….

You have a nice complimentary lunch today, and a lovely winter break of rest and relaxation

Hold that for 5…

Let all this morning’s stress and commute melt away…. the hurries and worries of the morning commute

Now release for 7….

That’s great…. well done everyone… This is how we should all aim to feel right? Relaxed, calm, centered.

Now let’s take a journey into Sam’s brain… please close your eyes for me again…

Flight of the Bumblebee begins to play, growing ever frantic with each passing moment…

Oh god… it’s time to present… wow there are way less people here than I thought…. the room is so small… I’m distracted by this insane view of New York City out the window behind you all, how am I supposed to focus? Not New York, Jesus… London…. We’re in London Sam. God now they’re all going to think I’m really the dumb American that they all probably thought I was anyway… Christ almighty this bit is stupid… they all think I’m stupid… why did I volunteer to do this??

Flight of the bumblebee intensifies.

Now you have some insight into how my brain feels this morning. A bit stressful isn’t it?

Yada yada yada, the rest of his long presentation that was originally planned…

Conclusions

We interrupt this creative writing piece to inform you that Sam has passed away. The absolute embarrassment of his presentation, and the subsequent 6 hours of lashing, self-flagellation, and anxiety about how he came across was too much for his fragile little brain.

Sam is remembered by his two dogs and his pregnant wife. His tombstone will be placed soon, and read “He was never going to get a Ted Talk.”

Thank you for both of you who made it to the funeral.

Actual Conclusion

Alright… Sam didn’t really die… dry your eyes. I know I gave you a fright, that was cruel and I feel bad now, but worry not this will haunt me for months too, (why did I write that stupid blog post). Death is not something to be joked about anyway.

So… was it as bad as I feared? Were the staff members really as bored and disinterested as they seemed? Or were they just tired… struggling with their own hardships, their own worries and self doubt. Did they stay up too late preparing for their week? Were they tapping away on phones and computers because they were racing to jot down every absolutely mind-blowing fact that I put in my PowerPoint, already dreaming of re-enacting the joy and inspiration they felt? Were they just texting their friend Shirley about that awesome party on Saturday? Why DID I say New York City? Will I finally get to do the Ted Talk the world has been longing for??

Next week on Sam’s Blog… we attempt to answer this and more… stay tuned…

Que theme song music… probably Chariots of Fire, maybe artfully spliced with Flight of the Bumblebee to create a nice bookend to the blog post. Maybe my little brother Jake can help with this? Time to text Jake.